Do you want to be a better Negotiator?

Then shut your mouth and open your mind…

More we talk, more influence could be exerted over others; was the popular belief.

However, successful outcome of a negotiation, be it with your customer, staff, friend or family is depend on quality of listening and not quantity of talking. This is apparent in interpersonal communication in general and negotiation in particular. Good listeners are good performers.

You already knew this; didn’t you?

That is why you spent 60% of your conversation time on listening (to others).

Then, how come some of us often get them wrong?

Because #listening becomes hearing if you don’t listen proper.

Listening is key to successful human engagement, especially in negotiation. It is even more relevant in dispute resolution. There are many variants of this such as active listening, deliberate listening, empathetic listening, genuine listening and list goes on. Although there are subtle differences among them, I prefer to use “Deep Listening” to describe the level that is required in the process of negotiation.

Listening is an important life skill that could be taught (like speaking skills). Perhaps this is the most under-valued and under-taught interpersonal skill.

How do you practice deep listening?

My two factor approach for Deep Listening has seven (7) elements.

Self-keeping Factors

a. Be presence at that moment (in mind) (focus is the key, minimize any distractions).

b. Keep your mouth shut (talk only where appropriate, because talking focuses on you and not on them) (Silence helps to listen more)

c. Open your mind (absence of judgment, without preconceived ideas)

Self-reaping Factors

d. Listen with intent to understand, not only the words that they say but also words that they don’t say.

e. Match those words with other elements of body language such as gestures, facial expressions, tonality, eye contacts to understand well-rounded meaning.

f. Look beyond the words (try to understand the reasons, feelings and emotions that reflect behind those words)

g. Ask questions, clarify, summarize and confirm your understandings if necessary

Self-keeping factors are to create necessary space to detached yourself first, allowing you to focus on them. This will helps to minimize your ego as well.

Self-reaping factors help you to understand what is in their mind and not in yours.

When you practice deep listening nothing more is needed to convince the other. They truly connect with you through patience hearing and quality attention.

Listening unlock minds, helps to identify mutual interests, come up with different options and create possibilities to improve value on the table that are important elements in negotiations.

It was my first negotiation with large Travel Retail Operator in the Middle East. My presentation was exhaustive and offer was comprehensive. Obviously I was talking more and listening less. “I love your offer, it is fantastic, but give me few weeks to come back to you” was the only response I received from my prospective buyer. Despite everything is in place, deal was not forthcoming. Since there was nothing more to talk, I start listening. That listening helped to understand his fear of introducing new brand and product range due to inventory KPIs that would affect his job performances in case new product range does not sell fast enough. When this challenge was addressed, I was able to secure first order at that moment itself. We ought to give deep listening to go beyond the words and understand meanings and feelings behind them.

What are the benefit of deep listening?

How well we listen, determines the outcome of negotiation.

Harvard Professor William Ury says, listening is the cheapest concession that you could offer during negotiation and it serves three (3) purposes,

i. Key to understanding.

ii. Helps to connect (build rapport and build trust)

iii. Induces response from the others (catalyst for reciprocity)

Often parents complaint that children are not listening to them and viz-à-viz. It is the same challenge between spouses, partners and society in general. As a father of 3 young children I understand how relationship could become strain when deep listening not applied in our families, work place and society.

Professor William Ury comes up with concept of “listening to yourself first” in order to listen to others.

Well, that topic itself deserves a separate article.

Over 20 years of my career in professional negotiation I have learned and deployed the power of deep listening to conclude dozens of successful deals.

How about you?

Are you ready to shut your mouth and open your mind?