When you truly wanted to getting to YES with others, who do you negotiate with first?

Before getting YES with others (Outer YES), it is important to first find YES with yourself (Inner YES), says Harvard Professor William Ury in his recent book “Getting to YES with yourself”

Getting to YES is an inside job first, says Ury.

Negotiation is a game of influence. Then how could you influence others without being able to influence yourself first?

Let’s discuss important points.

According to Ury getting to YES with yourself could be achieved following six (6) challenging steps that could be found in the company of 3 YES areas.

(i) YES to SELF

1. Put yourself in YOUR shoes.
What? Are you crazy? I am already in my shoes…

That was how we tend to believe; but how many of us can honestly say that we have plumed the depths of our minds and hearts?

Well, how do we do that?

Professor Ury suggests concept of “See yourself from the balcony”. It is a mindset…says Ury.

The Balcony is a metaphor for a mental and emotional place of perspective, calm and control. In a difficult negotiation situation Key is to buy time to think, that allows you to go to the balcony. Perhaps you need to press PAUSE button or take a time out few times. That will allow you to walk back and forth to the balcony.

2. Develop your Inner BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement)

In a difficult Negotiation, the best BATNA is the one that starts inside which reflects strong unconditional commitment to take care of yourself, your deepest needs, no matter what other people do or don’t do.

(ii) YES to LIFE

3. Re-frame your picture

Re-framing is the capacity that each of you has to give a different interpretation or meaning to the situation. Re-framing allows cooperative interchange between negotiating partners. The best way to change the game is to change the frame.

4. Stay in the zone

In a difficult negotiation situation it would not be helpful to stay in the past or worry about the future. Therefore, embrace the present moment where you could intentionally change the direction of the negotiation.

(iii) YES to OTHERS

5. Respect others

In a negotiation RESPECT is one of the cheapest concession you could extend to the other. It simply means to give positive attention and to treat the other with the dignity with which you would like to be treated. However for many of us, RESPECT could be a difficult concession to make especially when other side does not respect you initially. Professor Ury says, respect them even if they reject you. If you could master this, it could be a handy softener and a opener when the going gets tough.

6. Give and Receive

Give to receive. Giving does not mean losing. Giving in the first instance can simply mean looking for a mutual gain and it could lead to reciprocity.

Getting to yes with yourself will not only improve your ability to negotiate effectively, but also create the inner satisfaction that will help to “winning the game of life”.

Are you ready to take next step to win YOUR game of life?

(It was not easy to summarize this book that has so much rich in content. Reading the book itself was rewarding. However, I was recently privileged to participate in Professor Ury’s interactive workshops at Harvard Law School MA which was even more rewarding).

Above is not an exhaustive summary. For deeper understanding, I recommend you to try this book online at,

For my other articles on the subject of Negotiation, please click here.